Commercialized Conundrum
by knives4cash
Summary: This installment of Pollination is brought to you today by Hilarity Ensues. Hilarity Ensues: We do exactly what it sounds like we do, idiot.


The Schnee Estate. Three words, three simple words. They describe what is essentially a palace planted firmly on the outskirts of Vale, and to be within its walls is quite a feat in that of itself. But I am not here to sabotage, as one might assume from my faunus heritage. On the contrary, I am here, accompanied by my fiance, and my soon-to-be sister-in-law to celebrate with the sole heiress of the Schnee Estate.

"Home, sweet home!" Yang laughs as she leaps into the air and crashes down on a luxurious sofa positioned on the South wall. Her backpack lands unceremoniously on the coffee table located in the center of the room. A few stray pencils will surely be collected by cleaning services.

"I think not, Yang Xiao Long." Weiss scoffs as she marches in behind her cohort. Pulling Ruby behind her, she seeks the comfort of a sofa designed for two people and located on the Western wall. She finds her spot on the left side, and collects Ruby into her ever so loving embrace. Of course, the cape does tend to make cuddling a mess. But, they manage.

"We're not even married." Ruby reminds her sister as she snuggles up into Weiss's lap. "You're not related to Weiss yet, and that means you can't call her home yours."

I saunter in last, closing the double doors behind me and carefully resting my backpack against the leg of the coffee table. "And even then, Yang, who is to say that Weiss would not simply…" I motion for her to place her boots on the ground, allowing me access to sit next to her. "Deny you access to the estate?"

Yang chuckles as she wraps her left arm around me and hugs me closer. "Kitty cat, it's been almost four years, and you still haven't figured it out?" She eyes me with a meld of curiosity and pride. "There's not a force that can stop me!"

Weiss voices her disagreement. "My walls and guards would beg to differ on the matter, blondie."

Yang leans over and retrieves her backpack, causing a few additional pencils to fall to the carpet. "I don't think so, sister." She chuckles as she pulls out a vibrant red and white box with a purple heart stamped on the top. "Not when I give you this fabulous peace offering." Yang finishes with pride, tossing the box to the heiress.

It's not like Yang to give gifts to a… frenemy.

Weiss catches it effortlessly with her right hand. "Oh, what honor has befallen me this fine day?" She asks, sarcasm practically flowing from her tongue.

Ruby sits up, bringing her own boots down to the floor like her sister, and wraps her right arm around her girlfriend. "A tasty one!" Ruby answers with a smile.

Weiss opens the box, and my faunus sense of smell immediately detects the aroma of cherries and chocolate. "Chocolate-dipped cherries?" Weiss asks with pleasant surprise. "A gift that is not perverse and actually tasteful?" Weiss nods in approval. "I applaud you, Yang. Thank you."

"I thought you'd like 'em." Yang moves her head straight north, staring at the family-sized television set mounted to the wall. "They're Stupid Cherries!"

What.

"Stupid Cherries!" She shouts again, staring at nobody. "A box of chocolate dipped cherries for just one outrageous payment of nineteen point ninety-nine dollars! Ignore the outrageous price because you forgot today was the day!" She shouts… again. To nobody. Again.

"And add a free teddy bear for just an additional ten dollars!" Ruby shouts, spinning her head to face the TV as well.

"What?" Weiss and I ask in unison. This is too strange for a high-five right now.

"What are you two doing?" Weiss demands with a huff of annoyance.

"Nothing." Yang and Ruby immediately answer. This is clearly a lie, but I learned long ago that it is best to simply let their plots play out. Thankfully, it's not the Ides of March.

That one word, though. I've never heard of it before. "What's a dollars?" I ask, genuinely curious. It must be similar to lien.

Rolling her eyes, Weiss scoffs, "Whatever."

Perhaps it was their idea of a joke.

"I have a gift for you too!" Ruby declares as Weiss puts the box of chocolate-dipped cherries on the coffee table. "As a token of my luuurve!" She adds with a grin. Almost nineteen, and still Ruby Rose can act like a child. "Here!" Ruby reveals a very beautiful bouquet of two dozen red and white roses.

Weiss is, again, surprised. "Where did you get such beautiful roses?" She gasps in awe and wonder, accepting the bouquet without hesitation.

Hm, I wonder if I'm going to get anything.

Ruby immediately turns her head to the still blank TV and immediately shouts, "I bought that beautiful bouquet from Tooproflowers dot com!"

Weiss drops her head. Groaning, she mutters, "What's going o-"

"Too pro flowers dot com! They offer over one-hundred overly complicated messages conveyed via dying plants, wrapped up in plastic for just nineteen ninety-nine dollars!"

Yang immediately adds, "Log on to double u double u double u dot come too pro flowers dot come and use the code 'RWBY' to get ten percent off on your next last-ditch attempt to win back her heart!" Yang immediately relaxes back into the sofa as if that just didn't happen.

This has to be one of the weirdest schemes they have going. At least with the fishing, we just end up in body casts, and that's the end of it. "What's a dollars?" I ask again. "And how can you have point ninety-nine of them?"

Weiss barely exercises enough control to not shove the flowers down Ruby's throat. "You two can either tell me what's going on, or-"

"Woah, slow down there, princess!" Yang raises her hands in surrender. "We'll knock it off, alright?"

Weiss falters, but at the proposition of peace she calms down. I doubt Yang's honesty though. A brief spike in her aura, ever so subtle, is all I need to know that something's up. But, the heiress, being human, fails to detect aura to begin with, and she accepts the peace.

Yang nods in approval. "Great."

"Finally, we can relax." Ruby sighs with content.

"Yes… let's." Weiss agrees with a subtle hint of suspicion.

I'll play the sisters' game. "What should we do?" I ask. "We're here for the weekend. Time is something we now have in abundance."

"Let's watch some TV!" Ruby suggests with a knowing grin on her face. The ruse appears to be amiss again…

"Oh, let's not." Weiss protests. "We SHOULD be training for the graduation tournament." She reminds us.

"I agree, Ruby!" Yang shouts again, staring at the TV screen. "And now is the perfect time to use our free, one-hundred hour trial with new Hulahoop minus dot com! With over nine-thousand shows available for ninjaing! Use the code 'RWBY' to get your free, one-hundred hour trial of-"

I never knew that a box of chocolates could make Yang shriek when being thrown against her face. Ruby makes a very fascinating gagging noise when Weiss shoves the bouquet down her throat.

"If you two don't tell me what's going on, I'll send your secret to the GRAVE!" Weiss warns them as she stands up. Her footsteps echo ominously as she locks the door, trapping the schemers inside. "Now TALK!" She orders as she turns to face them.

And here I am, dainty little old me just sitting pretty on her sofa. I know I should do my job and keep the peace, but this is honestly just too amusing. "What's a dollars? And how can you have point ninety-nine of them?" I ask again. I'm so helpful.

"Shut up, Blake!" Weiss orders. Sheesh. "Let the two idiots say their last words carefully."

Yang and Ruby look to each other. They slowly nod in understanding.

Ruby looks to Weiss. "We wanted to make this weekend as special as possible, so we agreed to sponsor a few products."

"And we just wanted the money. We don't even like cherries, but we didn't get many takers." Yang informs us with a sigh. She sounds insulted.

Weiss sags her shoulders. Staring at them with an open mouth, she spends a few moments processing their words. But, she quickly throws her arms out. "Are you two BLIND?! Look around you!" Placing a hand on her chest, she reminds them, "I could've payed for whatever it is you two were planning!"

"We know, we know!" Ruby whines back. "But we wanted to be the ones to show our gals the good time for once!" She looks down, absolutely defeated. "But we were kinda broke at the time."

"What were you two even going to do?!" Weiss demands.

"Two airships of frozen tuna." They both immediately respond with complete seriousness.

I think this has to be one of the lowest points their IQ has ever dropped. "How was that going to be romantic?" I inquire, still dumbfounded. And probably will be for the rest of my life.

"Well, Weiss likes cold stuff-" Yang begins.

"And you like tuna-" Ruby adds.

"So we just thought we'd combine the two." They finish in unison.

Weiss's jaw just hangs in the breeze. "...How did you two even function before you met us?"

"Wait." I interrupt the conversation. Curiosity gets the better of me. "If you were being paid to sponsor products, why did you do it when there was no one around to hear?"

Yang points to the TV- "No, a little higher." ...to the Macrohard's Ycircle180's motion capture bar sitting on top of it? "Yeah."

"What about the stupid video game?" Weiss asks, still not getting it.

"We've been livestreaming the whole thing through it." Ruby explains with absolutely no hint of remorse in her tone. She's already dead; she just doesn't know it yet.

But I know because Weiss's aura just shot through the roof. Oh, shoot! That means Yang's dead too. Hmm, that might be a problem.

"How many viewers do we have so far?" Yang asks without any hint of understanding of how her seconds are numbered.

Ruby pulls out her scroll. "Two point two million right now."

Oh no. "Weiss, that means two point two million witnesses if you kill them now." I quickly warn her before she makes any moves she may or may not need a lawyer to justify for her.

Weiss hides her switchblade behind her back. "What? Who? Me? What? Nooo, of course NOT!" She manages to croak out amidst gritted teeth and twitching eyes. Taking a deep breath, she quickly brings her aura back under control. Heh, almost four years of this, and she's still not used to it.

"Okay, Ruby. Yang." Weiss moves over to the TV and picks up the Ycircle180's motion capture bar. "You two are going to be my closest family." She crushes it with her bare hand. "But, you two need to understand that there are some things that money can't buy." She moves over to the two and pulls each of them into an embrace.

It almost brings a tear to my eye.

Pulling away from them, she earnestly explains, "And what you two REALLY need to understand… most of all… is that…" She takes a deep breath and finishes, "I was trying to think of something really emotional and meaningful, but I'm at a loss."

Oh.

Silence echoes throughout space and time.

"Well, that deescalated quickly." I observe as I put my legs up on the coffee table. "Maybe we should just forget the whole affair." I suggest as I motion towards the sofas. "We have to deal with so much grief on a daily basis." I remind them. "Can't we just enjoy today?"

They pause.

Ruby sits down.

Weiss sits down in Ruby's lap. They wrap their arms around each other.

Yang flops down and buries her head into my lap, golden hair frizzing out and about. "Hey, Blake." She murmurs.

"Yes, love?" I ask as I run my fingers through her hair. It's so nice to finally be at peac-

"This was brought to you with limited commercial interruption."

Confound it, Yang.

* * *

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day, good countrymen! Have an outline!

Characters: R, W, B, Y

W and B try to spend a romantic evening with R and Y, but R and Y keep talking to apparently nobody while endorsing random products.

Possible Products to Parody Precariously. Partially. Probably:

Stupid cherries! A box of chocolate dipped cherries for just 19.99 dollars! Ignore the outrageous price because you forgot the day! "What's a dollars?" -Weiss "Is it like a lien?" -Blake  
Scroll books, better than real books. Ditch the old books for digital books. Get your first one free by using the code "RWBY"! Blake gets mad.  
Lien shave club- Stop buying shaving stuff and start buying OUR shaving stuff! "We're albino girls. We don't shave. I'm surprised we don't even burn in the sun." -Blake  
TooProFlowersdotcom- 100 overly complicated messages conveyed via dying plants, wrapped up in plastic for just 19.99 dollars. "SERIOUSLY! What the heck is a dollars?! And how can you have point ninety-nine of them?!" -Weiss  
UnnaturalCylinder! Order circular cylinders of unhealthy, made with chemicals and bits of shattered dreams, order canisters of Unnaturals right to your door!  
Hulahoop Minus! Illegally ninja your favorite shows for free! Go to hulahoop minus dot com slash RWBY! "What is ninjaing?" -Blake  
Achieve Men- The show that everyone should watch. Available for ninjaing from Hulahoop Minus! "But it only has 16 episodes. And the writing is barely above average." -Blake

What do I want this story to accomplish? R and Y realize that personal happiness cannot be bought by money via sponsoring. Also, it's annoying and they should stop it if they don't want their eyes clawed out.

Establish R, W, B, Y. 400 Words  
Don't directly reference the sham of Valentine's Day but still convey the message that it IS Valentine's Day today. 200  
Y endorses first product. Gives B Stupid Cherries! Promotes. 100  
R gives flowers to W. Promotes TooProFlowersdotcom! 100  
Y suggests they sit back and relax with some Hulahoopminusdotcom! Promotes. 100  
R suggests they watch Achieve Men via Hulahoopminusdotcom! Promotes. 100  
B and W get fed up and demand to know what's going on. 200  
Y apologizes and suggests they just read some good books with Scroll Books! Promotes, 100.

B readies her claws and threatens to claw out Y's eyes if she doesn't tell us what's up.  
R says that's a close shave. Use Lienshaveclub! 100.

Weiss slaps Ruby.  
Blake slaps Yang.  
Confession, make up, sex? The end.

(Obviously, I didn't stick to the outline too well. Oops.)


End file.
